Found.

I lost sight of myself for a long time. Beneath the extra weight I put on, and the lack of caring about what I looked like, I changed. I didn't look in the mirror hardly at all. Subconsciously, it repelled me to see the state I was in. My body was nothing like it used to be. Of course I wanted to change it...but had no drive physically. Anytime I contemplated beginning the change, I would sabotage myself...whether it be with overeating, or no activity, I was doomed. Feeling buried and helpless, I didn't try.

Many overweight women are adamant about loving yourself the way you are, despite of size. "Big is beautiful" is their mantra. Though I agree that it is important to not hate your body, it's perfectly fine to want to change for the better. My size is something that effected me in an extremely negative way. Accepting something that is not healthy for me and doesn't make me happy isn't beneficial whatsoever.

We've just passed the 3 month mark, and there is no stopping me now. 34.8 pounds down...and my view on myself has changed tremendously. 

More confidence. My insecurities before overrode my desire to be who I really am. I now feel like who I was before...outgoing and friendly, not shy and withdrawn. Also, I feel like I'm truly attractive again. I can't stop flirting with my hubby. :)

More comfortable. Physically, my size hindered my comfort level. Sitting certain ways bothered me. I was winded if I had to walk too fast or go upstairs. Even sleeping was getting to a point where I was feeling the difference. Now I realize how good being a better, normal size is. There's a reason why our bodies were made to be a healthy weight.

More clarity. My mind feels so clear and vivid now. I'm sure the exercise has alot to do with that, but I'm so aware of everything around me now. My focus is not food, or my flaws. I'm happy with who I am, and am savoring food and flavor, versus devouring it without thinking.

I have found me again.